13. Your feet
What kind of genetic mutation made your toes grow in the shape of hammers, sprout hair and turn your nails yellow and flakey? Held together with veruccas, corns, bunions, and weird patches of shiny heel skin? And don't even mention the... Christ... is that... did you just shit an onion into your sock?
12. Your drunk self
You know: the one who people are always starting arguments with, who farts all the time, talks too loudly on public transport and can't get it up. The one you refer to as 'the Party Dog'.
11. Your willingness to eat the detritus of your body
Toenail clippings, the contents of your nostrils, the aftermath of a whitehead, that thing you thought was a tumour but actually turmed out to be a bit of dry skin... 'down the hatch' it all goes. There are children in Darfurian refugee camps ho are fussier eaters than you.
10. Your love of wildlife documentaries
And still she hasn't twigged that your Lone Wolf Snow Club's Winter Diary is essentially an enormous metaphor for your entire life.
9. Your knee-jerk defence of your own mum
And woe betide any woman who audaciously thinks she could have an equal claim on your affections. Your mum could sneak into your girlfriend's place, smash all her stuff up, draw black magic symbols on the wall and secretly put her kid sister up for adoption... and you'd still find a way to side with 'Her Mumness'.
8. Your bellief in farting as 'the great punchline'
Particularly when deployed at family gatherings, solemn occasions of state, during one minute silences etc.
7. That Russian bearskin hat you wear in the garden
A thought: maybe putting a shirt on would make it more palatable.
6. Your utter refusal to do anything you don't want to
Which wouldn't matter so much if you just told her - rather than just filibustering her every weekend plan with your loveable mix of silence, grunts, newspaper rustling and non-commital half promises. Like, "Oh right. Yeah... maybe we could do that 'Starving African Kids' photo exhibition... we'll see..."
5. Your guitar playing
Yeah! Crank up the axe in the spare room! Now stick it to The Man - with your rockin' arpeggios rhythm work and nimbly executed solos. Or, as your lady hears it: the sonic excretions of a brain-damaged silverback grinding through an atonal sequence of chugging powder cords, howls of feedback and shours of self-encouragement. Before throwing your guitar at the roadie (a pile of pillows) and giving a double macca thumbs-up to the laundry bin.
4. Your pottering
Although, does she know that the alternative to you spending two hours alphebetising your record collection, arranging coat hangers and lining up tins of food is a good old-fashioned nervous breakdown? Does she think you like being mentally unhinged or something?
3. The way you dance
Look! Her very own bleak, arrhythmic, mal-coordinated, child-elbowing window on what you'll be like afer 20 years oof marriage.
2. Your failure to be bothered by anything
"I screwed him and it wasn't the first time. Don't you care?"
"I suppose."
"For God's sake! I had sex with your brother!"
"Oh. Does this mean Pizza Express is off tonight?"
1. Your odd reluctance to show interest in her office's politics
Well, why wouldn't you want to hear about the web of Machiavellian intrigue and eye-watering passive-aggression that 'goes down' behind the scenes at Evans' head office. It's like The West Wing, but with added XXXL dresses.
This post was taken from FHM.com
